Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I deserve this hangover.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
