it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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