i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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