Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I supernannyed him into submission
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
