he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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