So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
