Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it's like heaven, but drunker
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
