my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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