Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize