how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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