I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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