Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
