Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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