I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
