what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
