When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
