Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
