I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
