I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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