I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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