I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm always down for nudity.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
