I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
