She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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