When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my sisters under your porch take her home
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
