well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
