Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
