I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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