I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
