So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
