I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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