god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
