We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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