did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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