At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
