she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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