I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
