You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
