somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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