My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
should my penis look like a turkey
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
