Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
