also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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