that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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