Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
