I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
