I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
