then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
