Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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