My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
