I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
