we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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